Sometimes you just got to say you don't now what you want.
And thats how i truly feel.I don't know what i want with this guy.One moment everything is all fine and the next second i want to yell at him. It seems he nows what to, but he just aint doing or doing it half hearty.
Example:
Him --baby you want to go to a couple retreat; Its in December, in the Poconos, and it seems decent price?
Me --Sure just give me the date so i can clear my schedule and make sure everything is okay.
Him-- Sure as soon as I get off the phone.
Weeks past and nothing. Sometimes i wonder if he truly wants to be with me other times I feel like i don't care, and that what bother me the most. I feel like i have become content with him, and then on the other hand I feel like nobody else knows me better. I have express feeling to him that no one else has known. I don't keep anything from him and he knows all my dirty little secrets. Which I have to admit is a big one up, I feel like no matter how crazy I get he will always be by my side to hold my hand and guide me through the darkness that might shadow over my life.
However, the other part of me feels that IF I ever decide to end things things might get ugly and we might not speak to each other for months or years like last time. I can't even phathom the thought of him being with another woman. It feels like a dragger being plunge through my chest. I cant understand why he makes me feel this why: love,hate, love, hate, love...
   If he ever decides to get serious and pay me all the attention that I desire and need. I can see myself changing and only loving one man until I take my last breathe but until then I am unsure about who is suppose to be my soulmate.

So things are getting complicated

With this relationship hitting the 8 month mark. I am trying to figure out what i really want. He seems like the perfect guy for me: we like the same things and want the same same things he is loving and caring and a great father figure to my daughter. So why is it i am feeling like i don't want to be with him at times and I think I figure it out.

I don't want to have anymore kids. Ones enough I know that he wants to have at least one more. However, I just want to spoil my daughter and his son. I think it can work out perfectly just the way it is. In addition, if things don't work out I don't want to raise another child by myself. I mean i know he is going to be around  but he doesn't have a career. He works but nothing that I consider that would be long term or where he can grow from it. I must admit I know what I like. And I have plans in the next 3 years to better myself and get off of other people helping me.

From an non relationship stand point i look at him and see nothing. I mean everyone has ruff stops in their lives but we are suppose to grow and learn from it. It just seems that he is in the same spot as two years ago, and that is not in the finical stable that i would suspect a man his age to be in, I mean I know I can change him in that area but yesh. Sometimes I feel like i will have to sign a prenuptial if we ever got marry. Well, i shouldn't say that i feel like i would have to sign one with anybody I get married too.

And that brings me to another point I also feel like I don't want to get married. The thought of being tied down to another man for the rest of my life, and unbelievable. I KNOW how man are, and i know how i am and i don't think there is a man on earth that can handle me. I'm wild and I do admit that enough is never enough in my head.

okay okay

I am restarting my year of CNSA (computer network and system administration). I am already two classes in and starting the third class on Monday. I must say this year is so much easier then last year,I have both B's in the two classes. I hink this is all due to me not working.I feel  thigs are better this whykm 

Things are ruff financial wise. But me and my daughter are learning to get through with much less. I must admit I dont miss working but i do miss the checks, and also the weekend shopping trips to NY. Now I don't really lie to my daughter,she has been wondering why I am home all the time now. And i just tell her that i am going back to school to become a Computer tech. She is so excited that i am not going to be a nurse anymore. And her only reason for this is  because she cant live with the fact of having a nurse for a mom because she would be to afraid that i am going to give her a shot when she is not looking

 Karma had also started school this year and she is loving every second of it. She loves riding the bus.making new friend , packing lucnh, and bring home new books to read.  We also have a schedule where we are both in the public library where she gets to run around and look at books and I get to some studying in. 

Under Construction

you guys are going to see some lot of changes going around to this blog... So dont worry i know what im doing.

"You are a very spontaneous person"

Ha, that is what my boyfriend told me over the phone the other night. Ans i do admit i am a spontaneous person:

• i decide to go with blond kinky twist just for the hell of it 
• i seen him on just a splurge one day because i felt like it 
• i get my daughter and i up in the morning and we just drive in anywhere i feel like it 

But my question to him: is why the hell not? I mean who wants to wake up every morning doing the same thing? I am lucky enough to have a job that allows me to work 7 days on and have the next 7 days off. So, I have the urge to do something with my time,
I know in the next couple of weeks when school starts back up that i will be going to school 5 days a week and then working the same 7 on/ off schedule during the night. Things are going to be crazy and I know that my time with my daughter is going to be limited and that the next time we are going to have some quality time is when thanksgiving break comes and when school ends for both me and her.
Sometimes I get him and other times i want to tell him to shut the hell up and let me enjoy the rest of my summer vacation..... Yesh

love

 

 

Okay I dating a new guy, and I am loving it things couldn't be more perfect it is also like finding your soul mate after looking for so long. Okay down to the details we have been for approximately for 3-4 months, he is an overall good man; he works takes care and makes time for him.

This past weekend we spent the weekend escaping from our daily routine of taking the kids out for the weekend. We spent the whole weekend in
Philadelphia. We drunk watch a little TV and got to see "Inception" and had dinner together. At dinner, we talked about our past, present, and further; all our fears and faults in a relationship. The more we talk the more the more I started to see how much I loved him and how we alike and he takes my breath away. We do have a lot of things in common from our past time hobbies to where with each little thing he does. He is just so loving and caring that it truly does feel nice that we are together